SWEET RAIN; A Heavy Light Day

Left a nice good morning note for Amanda--

"Here's to a lighter day-- the smoke clears a bit more, unburdening our bodies and freeing our minds with each breath of clearer, fresher air. Hope you don't face too many curveballs today. Good luck! - Tiff"

Work was nothing. I sat. I read back chats. Created a phenomenon called "Fardeen Minus Fardeen"

Lunch was grilled cheese with pesto and fries on the side from the San Francisco Bar and Grill.

Talked to Bruce at the end of the day, he made me miss my bus but i got to go to Chopstix, get some hot and sour soup and "kung pow shrimp" for dinner.

Got home, got caught in the SWEET RAIINNNNN

Yes my pants are sandy, my suede sandals are kind of grimy, but yayyyyy rain

I get home and Amanda tells me she's moving out tomorrow to move back in with Ashley, a real home.

I text Nica "save me" and she comes to pick me up. We drive around, she picks up money, buys some "euphoria" and brings me back to her house, which is really nice now and really homey. Nica believes she's an old soul, and that I have my shit way more together than she does, and that she should ask me for advice. We talk for a really long time about race, heritage, art, Leena, Leena, Leena, Leena, my test, and some light stuff while dressing up Barbie after Barbie (Nick has a whole container of them hahaha).

Had some ramen at her house, and then Autumn and Nick came home. Got to perle a beautiful purple heart with the most beautiful mistake--some of the perle beads on the edges melted into the shapes of hearts. :)

The tension in the house is....hm. It's calm and yet. not happy. But it hasn't hit explosive yet. Yet.

I sent out an email to my colleagues at work asking for potential housing opportunities. Juuuuust in case.

Early start tomorrow for bloodwork!

Just Breathe

This morning I woke up late, but it's because of the extra half an hour that I had this weird dream involving Leena and Amanda. For some reason all three of us were living in one room, with three separate twin beds. One day I come in and two of them are pushed together and the plan is that all three of us sleep in it. Leena seemed super excited, Amanda was just sitting on the bed, and I came in with a "hell no, i haven't slept like that since i was 2 for a reason--" and at that moment, Leena falls off the bed and narrowly misses the wooden end table. She hits the ground hard and immediately starts complaining. As I say "I told you so" she gets up quickly, only to smack her forehead on the end table itself as she was partly underneath it. I don't laugh, I just look at her with such judgment and a disapproving shake of my head. She is a petulant child. Leena then bites back at me about my sleep cycle, how I go to bed at 4am and wake up late, wasting my day away. I can hear her voice so well that I thought she honestly said it to me and something snapped in me.

I launch myself at Leena on the ground, pin her down. She struggles a bit and then gives me a look and tries moving towards my face, as though she's gonna kiss me. That pisses me off even more and I press my elbow down on her and snarl "i will fucking kill you."

All of a sudden I'm at a museum gift shop looking at postcards wtih Amanda. And I buy one.

And then I wake up.

Hm.

Iced white chocolate mocha with a shot of caramel and nature valley granola. Sugar sugar sugar

Lunch of a cubano panini, doritos, and dr. pepper from ecco

Weather Forecast: Smoke

From the smoke will emerge a better day.

Until then, wear masks, live life, and try not to panic until things actually hit the fan.

http://nmfireinfo.wordpress.com/

Leena, please take your crazy elsewhere. Of course in a time where there's a fire inching closer and closer, you leave the gas on in the house. And you think the other two of us are insane for not packing up our visas, sleeping bags, and ready to run out of the house at any minute.

still a-waiting for those names

finished the bios

chicago dog frito pie lunch with corey, montana, and shawna (sunrise)

smoke still lets some sky blue through, that's all i ask for

gelato: coconut & lime with rosemary ==> malai

got home, leena was home the entire time but of course she didnt talk to me hahaha

found out once amanda got home (whcih was late) that leena's sick or something and she told her Seattle lover that talking to her would not be a good time, that he should read her facebook updates to know what's going on -_-

it's funny how leena will run to the door like a dog waiting for his owner when amanda walks in

and of course she asked amanda to make her tea. aw. how..sweet?

oh well.

night was nice, got to sleep with a new blanket which is this piece of fabric that sheds, but hopefully the dryer will pick up most of the lint..

Today is a bad day.

Cowgirl Themed Weekend

Woke up so late at like 1. Went downtown with Leena to the library, of course it was an annoying ride where she started off telling me Santa Fe is known for "crazy high crime rate," kept slowing down at green lights, talking about how she doesn't think any artists who change the world can do their art sober. I never realized that with age, the world only loses possibilities and openness. I figured an artist in new media who tells me things change so quickly, that life moves faster than you imagine, would know better than to think that there isn't a single soul out there who has already done everything she wants to. What is new? What isn't rehashed at the end of the day? Humans are not boxed-in creatures that live in isolation, nor is one's point of view and perception "right". Filmmaking is turning out to be the most hacked art form with more and more "artists" in the field I meet. I don't need your point of view, I can take away what I want from it based on my own judgement, experiences, and literal lens. Everyone else in the other arts fields know that this is what happens, that's the point of putting it out there for judgement. I don't need you to manipulate my eye, to lead me to see what you want me to see and take from it exactly the thing you did. Leena is right though about one thing: most artists will live their lives making mediocre art. Yep. She's definitely right about that.

For all my bitching, I know that this is life and that I accept and appreciate her presence as a challenge. I am gaining a lot of self-awareness and self-pride in our talks, that I know where I stand and that I am no longer the vulnerable, fully ditto-like creature that I loathe seeing in others, especially in myself. I internalize and gage but I will never break and compromise who I am for the sake of others or because they strong arm me using age, confidence, and aggression. Those people should stay out of the arts and academic fields and maybe flourish in a cubicle. kthx.

After walking around the of course crowded public library (duh. Sunday afternoon, free parking, no shit.), we went to ECO gelato and espresso shop. I got the midori melon and plum sake flavors (both really good), Leena got pineapple and boysenberry and realized boysenberry was a gelato not a sorbet and of course complained. Of course she didn't let me finish mine, she scarfed hers down, got a mouth ache from the cold, and stomped back to the library. I savored, enjoyed. She scarfs and complains. She also of course complained about her work hours, how she makes $800 a month. And of course I ask her if she can cut back on unpaid hours and she goes "no." Big fucking surprise.

I left after she went into the library, sat in The Burrito Co. enjoying a chorizo breakfast wrap and a Coke. By 3 I was waiting in the Wells Fargo parking lot for (Marie)Lena and Gael. Lena drove me to Museum Hill to take Gael to the Museum of International Folk Art. Of course Gael loved the tiny children's area and spent two hours just playing with the puppets (especially the peacock one), the trains (Thomas the tank Engine), and just generally making up stories and asking me why this, why that. Such a cute 3 year old. Met a 5 year old named Jessica who was sweet and sassy and asked me if I was Gael's mom and where I was from hahah. After the museum Lena came to pick us up and brought us to Cowgirl (hence. Cowgirl themed weekend) where there was some really cool live music and I had a yak burger, and talking to Gael about his bug book. He really likes me which is nice :)

Got a call from my mother saying that my throat ultrasound came up with something and that I should call my fucking useless general physician tomorrow and get a prescription emailed to me. What. the fuck.

But in any case. Yeah. On the drive home I realize the sky looks so much darker because of the forest fire smoke, which completely takes over the landscape now. It looks so apocalyptic it's really...interesting. The arroyo looks like it's burning. I love this landscape, it hurts me to see it this way. But yet every moment I'm at a point of higher elevation, I breathe in and stare in amazement of the landscape, the hills, the thrush.

Oh and I saw a prairie dog for the first time! Leena pointed it out and I thought they were skinny chipmunks. I say it and of course Leena tells me that they're starving and thirsty. Thank you Leena, that's really lovely.

When Amanda picked me up last night from the rodeo she told me that she was the opposite of Leena in terms of rodeo. She grew up around rodeos, and hates it. Her father is essentially a cowboy, and she is no stranger to the weird events that are rodeos with the pickle juice, barrel racing, and utter cowboy-ness. Leena compared going to a rodeo as going to a place where Hitler had won and there were no Jews. Yes, Leena, you're Native, and Natives shouldn't go to rodeos because it's reminiscent of a time and world where they were dying out. But fuck you, Natives also have rodeos and no, rodeos are not that extremely white. Okay sure they did a prayer for the troops after the anthem and I was the only pair of slanty eyes for miles, but that doesn't mean ONLY whites and Mexicans were allowed to go. Whatever.

I get home and Amanda's home for a second. I walk in, say hi, and walk to my room. I noticed Amanda was completely naked, but I've learned not to expect anything anymore living here in this city. Apparently it was a body suit painted to look like she's naked. I shrugged. Very little can surprise me at this point.

Santa Fe Rodeo FAQ: How do I enter my child in the mutton busting contest?

So after dragging my cold ass back into my house at 2, 2:30am, I only got to go to bed

- Plaza Cafe

- huevos rancheros and lemonade

- Tailinh: Kwe (7), Taio (5), Luca (3), Micah (3 months)

- Lena: Gaelle??? damnit (3)

- Luca falls and hits his head, bleeds

- Lena, her son, Taio and me go to teh Mall

- interview with Francis for The Children's Place

- merry go around

- Asian guy at foodcourt waved

- DairyQueen: caramel and peanutbutter shake

- Starbucks: caramel macchiato

- Target: MR. PRICKLEPANTS TOY! and Princess Vitamins (whoops damnit i forgot them)

- Legos legos legos

- Luca's head wrap xD

- Lena and I talk in the car, apocalyptic photo of the forest fire

- drops me off home, i might babysit her son tomorrow

- RODEO

- muttonbusting 4 year olds

- pledge of allegiance/anthem/prayer

- cowboy hats a mile away; COACH COWBOY BOOTS; BABY COWBOY BOOTS

- bareback riding

- bull riding (part 1)

- calf wrestling

- calf lasso-ing

- cowgirl barrel race

- rodeo clown/dancing gorilla

- bull riding (part 2)

A'waiting for amanda

- so many pick up trucks in Santa Fe

- it's so hot in the house

- Amanda : i lived around rodeos, no. Leena: i'm native, i can't go to rodeos, it's like going to a world where Hitler won.

- thank god for Champion the fan.

- "she's like a bottle of beer, waiting to blow" // "she's fertile."

- sleeping at 4am

A Record Of My First 21 Days In The City Different

Day 1 (June 2, 2011):

I fly in at about 10:35pm into a one room airport with a tiny baggage claim structure right at the door. One shuttle service, one very confused driver trying to find his way to Acequia de las Joyas. We find it, and I see the stretch of dirt road that I now know very well. Two dogs were out, barking at the car. A bunny runs past. I find 944a but not 944. Then I realize "oh, that's door." I knock, and Nica answers. I enter the house and the living room is fully furnished, the entire space just screams that 3 young artistic women live here. Mismatched couches, so many rugs and weaves on all these surfaces. Sewing machine on the coffee table, and Nica sitting on a rug playing Katamari on her Playstation. I walk into Leena's room and while there is a clear space in the middle of the floor, I could not call it "neat." Her bed is two mattresses with more pads and layers and sheepskin. She has a box of plastic human figures on the floor. Nica walks in and hands me the key. I change the sheets on Leena's bed and sigh and lie down. I get up and begin to talk to Nica as she's playing the videogame. She tells me her story, a Santa Fe native since the age of 2, going to IAIA as a visual arts major because she loves working with her hands and bejewling hair accessories late into the night. We talk a bit more about the art scene at Santa Fe, how "Native American Art" is a required class here, how all the galleries blend together, the majority of the art scene being the kitschy SOUTHWEST theme (landscapes, cowboys, Indians, etc.), and that Native American art itself becomes a cliche as so much of it is the same for tourist purposes. She shows me the Reporter, and points out a show she'd like to see the next day, and tells me about how since Leena left and Astrea stopped sleeping in the house, she's been hearing chupacabras. Or maybe it's because she's been watching scary movies alone in the house. We talk more, and she asks me if I smoke pot and hands me her cracked (because she dropped it) pipe. I ask her to light for me and I breathe in once, and start hearing a singe--"what is that--oh my god your hair!" I look up and see some singed ends on my bangs. We laugh and I go to bed, shaking my head at the ridiculousness that will come.

Day 2 (June 3):

I wake up late, and the sun is bright and shining. I open my eyes and I see those hills and the arroyo for the first time from Leena's huge window. I rub my eyes and make sure I'm not dreaming. The landscape is so different, so much dust and dry heat and yet not barren as a hot unmerciful desert. After lying in bed, in wonder of the view expanding in front of me, I make myself breakfast and peach iced tea. I walk into what is supposed to be my room and sigh. Most of Astrea's furniture and all of her clothes are in the closet. Her presence here is great, even if it isn't physical. Nica wakes up around 1. I'm in Leena's room, listening to the sounds of the house as I can track her footsteps and actions. As I'm sitting in the kitchen waiting for the day to start, she comes and tells me that she's going to move out in a week or two. Her friends gave her the opportunity to live in a house for free and she's going to take it. Of course, Leena is freaking the shit out in Montreal. She drives me into downtown and we drop off the rent check for June to Suzy St. Clair Properties. She parked her car with all of the windows down because it's a piece of shit no one would jack anyway because there's only her trash in the back. We walk around downtown, down what I know now as West San Francisco St, drop into the Camera Shop. They don't have the film Nica wants, and I can't afford the Ti3. We walk down to the Cathedral and go inside. The Cathedral is beautiful and I sneak a few photos in. After that, we go walk a bit more but eventually get back into the car and she drives me to a grocery shop called Lowe's Marketplace. It's a bit expensive but I essentially get some things I know I'll eat. We get back to the house and she makes grilled chicken salad which is pretty good. We take a disco nap and get up to leave to go see the art show at Legends of Santa Fe: Supernatural and Para-Native Activity (The Chupacabra show). After that show, where I got an Izze, we walk down to Canyon Road and all up and down, dropping by into galleries that escape my memory right now. One was like the Chalk Gallery? So many of them really did seem like the next. A whole bunch with wind sculptures, another full of beautiful works but in a home-like setting/environment, a pretentious gallery but is its own surrealistic/fantasmic space with trees and art that is so tightly painted you wish you really did live in a fairytale candyland kind of world. We get back and the house is empty. No furniture, just some boxes, an empty suitcase, and Astrea's room just has a bedframe and all of her clothes in her closet. "Shit, it looks like Astrea came by." We can't get over how in 2 or 3 hours, everything disappeared. But that's life I guess. We get our shit together and leave again to Santa Fe Place (the mall) and go into Senor Murphys. I meet Nick, who is pearling while also manning the candy counter. I pay $4 but I have so much candy and green chile peanut brittle. Nica and I drive around again, snacking on our candy, and this time we end up at Walmart? After that we meet the others at the Soft Museum, where Nick and Autumn lives but this space will soon be purely for their art, their pearling works all over the place. Their wall is full of dorktacular things that are all comic books, Japanese, and artistic. I meet Autumn, Max, and Dylan. We all get into one car and drive off to the theaters to see X-Men:First Class. I will never get over the most racist editing part of that movie. After that we go back to the Soft Museum to talk about Xmen and dorkiness. I buy a pearled necklace of an 8-bit looking creamsicle for $10, I can't wait to commission them for more pieces. We call it a night at like midnight and head home. I am. exhausted.

Day 3 (June 4):

Woke up late again, made myself a sandwich for lunch the only way I know how. Nica wakes up and leaves the house. I debate whether I should go outside or not and decide "yeah I really should." I take the bus for the first time and the only other people on the bus is a Dine woman and her young daughter who just moved to Santa Fe a few months ago from Albuquerque. The bus driver can't stop babbling about how he's dated Native women from Acoma, how his aunt was so Apache she might as well be full blood. The Dine woman asks him what kind of Apache and he has no idea. He looks at me and says that everyone in the world is just related to each other at the end of the day. I nod in agreement. I get off the bus and I look for 141 East Palace. I figure out SWAIA's in the back of the building, and feel my way around downtown. I find myself sitting in the Subways, enjoying a nice cool drink and the Dine woman and her daughter from the bus walk in. We exchange small smiles as they eat lunch I leave. I find myself walking into ShipRock Santa Fe, where Teri Greeves' new show is up. It is absolutely beautiful, full of bead paintings of stories and warriors and of Jeri Ah-be-hill, Teri's mother. I also see the other pieces in the gallery, the Virgil Ortiz shelf, the rooms full of pottery and textiles. I am. filled with joy. I go back to Subway to get dinner: a turkey bacon avocado sandwich with green chile. Oh Santa Fe! I find my way back to the bus before it's too late and of course, the same bus driver and Dine woman are on again. I miss my stop by 2 miles and walk 2 miles along Agua Fria, cursing at myself but also appreciating the landscape around me. It's not too bad, but it isn't pleasant obviously. Once I'm home I can just finally breathe in. Nica comes and tells me that a friend is coming over--I bring up how Leena suggested to bring the white loveseat from outside and Nica and her friend bring it into the house. We then find a HUGE daddy long legs and trap it into the glass. I have trouble sleeping that night as Nica and her friend Aaron watch the movie, laugh, talk, smoke, drink, and hook up right in the livingroom. It isn't until about 3am that I crack open my door as a reminder that I am awake and aware. They giggle and move into her room. They don't stop the bass and music until about 5am.

Day 4 (June 5):

Sunday morning I wake up late, make myself lunch again, and go into the city to apply to work at the Olive Oil Store that Nica suggested to me. After I hand off my application I wander around and end up at Happy Hour at Milagro on W. San Francisco. I drink a glass of what tastes like watered down vodka but is red, and enjoy myself a $1 steak taco, $1 pulled pork slider, and a $6 burger with fries. I meet an old artist named Bill who tells me I'm very pretty and draws me a picture of his eagle insignia, which isn't half bad. I go home and try riding Leena's bike for a bit, which is fail on so many levels. But I'm just excited for my first day of work :)

Day 5 (June 6):

First day of work at SWAIA! I get in at 9am and meet John and Paula from Artist Services. They settle me in and I notice that my name is Tiffony Win on the computer (still is, I don't really care about it anymore). They give me a whole bunch of folders about the judges and I begin calling these 80 or so names. I meet so many people and forget who they are instantly. For my first day I went and had a burrito at the Burrito Company.

Day 6 (June 7):

Staff meeting at 9am and I'm introduced to the entire office. We also have a walk through at the La Fonda and I see La Terraza and that stunning view of the cathedral for the first time. I ask Lavita what I should get for lunch and she tells me I absolutely must try a frito pie from 5 and Dime, but the one from Chicago Dog is better. I go to Chicago Dog and yummmm frito pie!

- meeting astrea

- meeting amanda

- scorpions

- airbed

- SWAIA honoring dinner

- meeting Teri Greeves//facebook//interview

- leena's friends at corazon

- pool party with nica and autumn

- Tiphony/Tiffony

- massage therapy interview// friends with the hike at big tesuque/forest fire

- eggman and walrus art emporium with corey

- SITE and meowolf and railyard with amanda

- lunches with montana, corey, and shawna

- dyeing leena's hair

- talking for hours about heritage and race//Amanda's mom over my mom

- big trucks, animals

- bus tales

- corey's work at MoCNA (he's Acoma, not Dine)

- facebooking colleagues (i.e. Shawna, Lavita, John)

- business casual, cold new yorker

- walking past the Portal Artisan Program at the Palace of Governors

- opening my own account at the First National Bank of Santa Fe

- Inuit Graphics project with Edd

- Aux Vivres toasted coconut conspiracy/debacle

- SAR with bruce

- 2 days before yesterday

- burrito company with corey and montana (green chile cheeseburger and fries)

- rice with mongolian beef, spicy chicken, iced tea (chopstix for dinner)

day before yesterday

- skirt

- rooftop pizzeria with montana and corey//ice cream from 5 and dime

- bus to mall, applied for 6 jobs

- chinese food for lunch

yesterday

- work

- udon for lnch

- booking a room at the la fonda

- bus home

- subway dnner

- MASSAGE WITH AMANDA

today

- need to do bios

- chocolate croissant for breakfast

- PHOTO SHOOT AND BABYSITTING

- Zocalo

- Micah

- a-waiting

- Nica's new house

- Rouge Cat with Nica, Autumn, Max, and Dylan

- Max's house//Big Stupid aka Joe the pitbull//bearqueens

- NYC NEWS: PRIDE WEEKEND~

- Max promises to add sparkly tinsel to my hair

- Max: That girl is fertile. (Leena)

- Dylan: Any moment I can, I will be like 'EXCUSE ME. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THE GLASS. THAT REALLY STRESSES OUT THE ANIMALS.'

- Leena: Gay bears are my ideal men. Except they can't they like women.