Whiplash//REAL BED//Prison

I tried getting to La Fonda to say hi to Autumn but i barely missed her :(

I got off work at 2, and on the way to meeting Corey at the Inn at the Anasazi Bar, I saw Nick doing his public art thing, drawing a cool caricature of a little boy in space. I def want one haha

Had a pomegranate martini with Corey, talked about New York and art and such. Such a nice guy haha

Caught the 3:19 bus home, and found Amanda and Laura (?) finishing up the load. Certainly interesting dynamic and conversation. Felt sad as Amanda packed up and left. A few minutes later Leena comes in to tell me that our new housemate is moving in 2 hours (enough time for me just to get my stuff into Nica/Amanda's old room).

I haven't felt like I've exhaled completely yet. So much rage built up over the situation, the lack of breathing time just to really absorb everything, awe at how quickly everything moved and i can't help but feel a sense of dread. Going 10mph is the safest, but 60mph wasn't life threatening. 120 mph and having an 18 year old african american college freshman move in with a 21 year old asian american trying to just sit out her 2 month sentence and a 33 year old canadian tsimshian filmmaker who is a mess.......

My life is a big fucking joke. A beacon of crazy events strung together. Of course there's order in this chaos in ridiculous ways.

In the last three weeks, three women have moved out.

I personally have moved into every single room in this house except the livingroom and kitchen which are now back to bare.

This house has had "every race": mexican, white, asian, native american, and now black. My bitter self thinks we're just a few seconds away from recording the worst Village People covers.

I just hope she's nice

You can't control life.

"I'm a New York woman, born to run you down
...
Something, something about just knowing when it's right"

My attitude towards the future with Leena. Thanks Lady Gaga (ha!)

Early start, took a while going around and around on St. Michael's near the Vincent Medical complex trying to find just the right building. Eventually I found my way and I got the blood drawn, only took about 5 minutes total to check in. The guy was nice, made a good amount of conversation to get my mind off the needle. Blood test, check, done what's next?

Amanda drove me to work and I stopped by the French cafe for an iced tea and a biscochito :)

Well I'm at work, looking over what I've done, what I need to do. A lot of waiting, essentially.

In the meantime, I guess it's time for me to really fully write out just how different I feel being here as a person and the people responsible. In this entry will be the two amazing women named Nica and Amanda, who are currently in my life as "former housemates," but that title does no justice to the influence and effect they've imprinted on the very fabric of who I am.

Nica is such a down to earth, practical, hands-on and strong woman. She lets things roll off her back and she keeps her rhythm consistently forward, never looking back. Anyone who lives by the adage that "money is money, you can always get more if you need it" is something that immediately stuck with me. Her creativity and energy expels from her physical body as she creates, changes the environment around her without even a trace of doubt. She's so strong and practical that she takes every obstacle in stride, does her best, and moves forward. For all this and more, I was so surprised yesterday when she told me that I had my shit together more than she does, and that I should be giving her advice on life even being 5 years younger. And honestly I think I learned so much about being firm and flexible in a way that showed me that you can retain your youth, enjoy it, and not have to jump into the idea of "full independence" and "full adulthood" feet first and not expect to fall down constantly. You can survive on very little material, so all you can do is keep yourself happy the only way you know how. I remember one of Nica's profile pictures is just of her legs and seeing that many cuts and bruises at first seemed so startling. But getting to know her, that's how she does. She throws her body into every moment, lies on the dirt to take that perfect photograph of the burnt tree, lets her hands get covered in epoxy as she fills floor cracks, and yeah there are scars, bruises, and cuts, but they all heal and don't stop her from doing what she does. I wish I could even have a fraction of Nica's confidence and creative imagination and physical ability to just shape and make things. I really respect her audacity and her ability to see things for what they are and not let much get to her despite all of her obstacles and inner turmoil. She taught me that being an "adult" is relative and that you can live independently and with others but all that matters is that you deal with what you're given and you make more if you have to. No one else will make you change your ways, only you. And I thank her for letting me really enjoying fun in a way that I was told was too "immature" and "unproductive." I thank her for all that she shared with me--everything from peanut butter and bread, to her friends, to her thoughts, to her art, to her past, to her present, and to being a source of support and fun that I will continue to enjoy and grow with during my time in Santa Fe. She is the source of so many of my laughs and lighthearted moments that remind me that it's okay to be young, fall down and get up, and enjoy the things I do all over again and even more than before.

And dear Amanda, the woman who will make "gypsy hippie" statements and then call them "gypsy hippie." In so many ways she is the opposite of Nica in that she understands and thinks in terms of abstraction to really flesh out a rich inner life and peace. Moderator and generator is right. This woman gets what she needs done. Yes we all have our problems, addictions, and consequences from bad decisions made in the past that affect us all, but all you can (and should) do is be proud of your decisions and to take your obstacles in stride within yourself and then affect the change externally around you. To make a home does not necessarily change the space's aura, but at least to follow through and put up that mirror (even if it shatters within an hour and then falls apart in a matter of days), cover up the nasty couch, is way ahead of leaving things bare. Because with every moment, every active expellation of energy, you are just that much more experienced, more knowledgeable, and stronger. I see her fire, I only have heard that it was once a bit out of control because of the idea that social anxiety was something to be torn down with numbing agents, but my perception of Amanda is of such calm and strength that I have never found in anyone else in my life. It is always so lovely to meet someone who is at peace with where they are, what they do, and Amanda takes it to a whole other level with her demeanor which is so calm, and yet firm. She patiently waits, she stands her ground, and she knows herself so well that I knew from the beginning that I would internalize her calm, quiet strength in my own demeanor. She lets herself free, her fire burn at just the right moments. And at the end of the day, she challenges me to relax (if that makes sense) and deconstruct in that she lets me do things for the first time, which include a hike (so physically challenging but provides a peace that I've never been able to experience in the urban concrete jungle), massage (letting my muscles be moved, to keep myself limber even if I have really tight skin) and even a face mask (which heals only after it completely dries and cracks which is stressful for my skin). Her compassion and nurturing nature is so apparent when she does anything--give me a ride to the grocery store or clinic to be tested, writing a poem, offering sheets and hangers, or even watering and taking care of her plants. I hope Prudence comes back home just as she is returning to hers. I thank her for providing a calm, supportive, and sympathetic nature for me to draw strength from in my darkest and chaotic times here in Santa Fe and for letting me relax but challenge myself at the same time. I am grateful for everything she's shared with me on a spiritual and philosophical level; I've learned so much from her about her, about me, and about calm compassion, and loveliness in general.

SWEET RAIN; A Heavy Light Day

Left a nice good morning note for Amanda--

"Here's to a lighter day-- the smoke clears a bit more, unburdening our bodies and freeing our minds with each breath of clearer, fresher air. Hope you don't face too many curveballs today. Good luck! - Tiff"

Work was nothing. I sat. I read back chats. Created a phenomenon called "Fardeen Minus Fardeen"

Lunch was grilled cheese with pesto and fries on the side from the San Francisco Bar and Grill.

Talked to Bruce at the end of the day, he made me miss my bus but i got to go to Chopstix, get some hot and sour soup and "kung pow shrimp" for dinner.

Got home, got caught in the SWEET RAIINNNNN

Yes my pants are sandy, my suede sandals are kind of grimy, but yayyyyy rain

I get home and Amanda tells me she's moving out tomorrow to move back in with Ashley, a real home.

I text Nica "save me" and she comes to pick me up. We drive around, she picks up money, buys some "euphoria" and brings me back to her house, which is really nice now and really homey. Nica believes she's an old soul, and that I have my shit way more together than she does, and that she should ask me for advice. We talk for a really long time about race, heritage, art, Leena, Leena, Leena, Leena, my test, and some light stuff while dressing up Barbie after Barbie (Nick has a whole container of them hahaha).

Had some ramen at her house, and then Autumn and Nick came home. Got to perle a beautiful purple heart with the most beautiful mistake--some of the perle beads on the edges melted into the shapes of hearts. :)

The tension in the house is....hm. It's calm and yet. not happy. But it hasn't hit explosive yet. Yet.

I sent out an email to my colleagues at work asking for potential housing opportunities. Juuuuust in case.

Early start tomorrow for bloodwork!

Just Breathe

This morning I woke up late, but it's because of the extra half an hour that I had this weird dream involving Leena and Amanda. For some reason all three of us were living in one room, with three separate twin beds. One day I come in and two of them are pushed together and the plan is that all three of us sleep in it. Leena seemed super excited, Amanda was just sitting on the bed, and I came in with a "hell no, i haven't slept like that since i was 2 for a reason--" and at that moment, Leena falls off the bed and narrowly misses the wooden end table. She hits the ground hard and immediately starts complaining. As I say "I told you so" she gets up quickly, only to smack her forehead on the end table itself as she was partly underneath it. I don't laugh, I just look at her with such judgment and a disapproving shake of my head. She is a petulant child. Leena then bites back at me about my sleep cycle, how I go to bed at 4am and wake up late, wasting my day away. I can hear her voice so well that I thought she honestly said it to me and something snapped in me.

I launch myself at Leena on the ground, pin her down. She struggles a bit and then gives me a look and tries moving towards my face, as though she's gonna kiss me. That pisses me off even more and I press my elbow down on her and snarl "i will fucking kill you."

All of a sudden I'm at a museum gift shop looking at postcards wtih Amanda. And I buy one.

And then I wake up.

Hm.

Iced white chocolate mocha with a shot of caramel and nature valley granola. Sugar sugar sugar

Lunch of a cubano panini, doritos, and dr. pepper from ecco

Weather Forecast: Smoke

From the smoke will emerge a better day.

Until then, wear masks, live life, and try not to panic until things actually hit the fan.

http://nmfireinfo.wordpress.com/

Leena, please take your crazy elsewhere. Of course in a time where there's a fire inching closer and closer, you leave the gas on in the house. And you think the other two of us are insane for not packing up our visas, sleeping bags, and ready to run out of the house at any minute.

still a-waiting for those names

finished the bios

chicago dog frito pie lunch with corey, montana, and shawna (sunrise)

smoke still lets some sky blue through, that's all i ask for

gelato: coconut & lime with rosemary ==> malai

got home, leena was home the entire time but of course she didnt talk to me hahaha

found out once amanda got home (whcih was late) that leena's sick or something and she told her Seattle lover that talking to her would not be a good time, that he should read her facebook updates to know what's going on -_-

it's funny how leena will run to the door like a dog waiting for his owner when amanda walks in

and of course she asked amanda to make her tea. aw. how..sweet?

oh well.

night was nice, got to sleep with a new blanket which is this piece of fabric that sheds, but hopefully the dryer will pick up most of the lint..

Today is a bad day.

Cowgirl Themed Weekend

Woke up so late at like 1. Went downtown with Leena to the library, of course it was an annoying ride where she started off telling me Santa Fe is known for "crazy high crime rate," kept slowing down at green lights, talking about how she doesn't think any artists who change the world can do their art sober. I never realized that with age, the world only loses possibilities and openness. I figured an artist in new media who tells me things change so quickly, that life moves faster than you imagine, would know better than to think that there isn't a single soul out there who has already done everything she wants to. What is new? What isn't rehashed at the end of the day? Humans are not boxed-in creatures that live in isolation, nor is one's point of view and perception "right". Filmmaking is turning out to be the most hacked art form with more and more "artists" in the field I meet. I don't need your point of view, I can take away what I want from it based on my own judgement, experiences, and literal lens. Everyone else in the other arts fields know that this is what happens, that's the point of putting it out there for judgement. I don't need you to manipulate my eye, to lead me to see what you want me to see and take from it exactly the thing you did. Leena is right though about one thing: most artists will live their lives making mediocre art. Yep. She's definitely right about that.

For all my bitching, I know that this is life and that I accept and appreciate her presence as a challenge. I am gaining a lot of self-awareness and self-pride in our talks, that I know where I stand and that I am no longer the vulnerable, fully ditto-like creature that I loathe seeing in others, especially in myself. I internalize and gage but I will never break and compromise who I am for the sake of others or because they strong arm me using age, confidence, and aggression. Those people should stay out of the arts and academic fields and maybe flourish in a cubicle. kthx.

After walking around the of course crowded public library (duh. Sunday afternoon, free parking, no shit.), we went to ECO gelato and espresso shop. I got the midori melon and plum sake flavors (both really good), Leena got pineapple and boysenberry and realized boysenberry was a gelato not a sorbet and of course complained. Of course she didn't let me finish mine, she scarfed hers down, got a mouth ache from the cold, and stomped back to the library. I savored, enjoyed. She scarfs and complains. She also of course complained about her work hours, how she makes $800 a month. And of course I ask her if she can cut back on unpaid hours and she goes "no." Big fucking surprise.

I left after she went into the library, sat in The Burrito Co. enjoying a chorizo breakfast wrap and a Coke. By 3 I was waiting in the Wells Fargo parking lot for (Marie)Lena and Gael. Lena drove me to Museum Hill to take Gael to the Museum of International Folk Art. Of course Gael loved the tiny children's area and spent two hours just playing with the puppets (especially the peacock one), the trains (Thomas the tank Engine), and just generally making up stories and asking me why this, why that. Such a cute 3 year old. Met a 5 year old named Jessica who was sweet and sassy and asked me if I was Gael's mom and where I was from hahah. After the museum Lena came to pick us up and brought us to Cowgirl (hence. Cowgirl themed weekend) where there was some really cool live music and I had a yak burger, and talking to Gael about his bug book. He really likes me which is nice :)

Got a call from my mother saying that my throat ultrasound came up with something and that I should call my fucking useless general physician tomorrow and get a prescription emailed to me. What. the fuck.

But in any case. Yeah. On the drive home I realize the sky looks so much darker because of the forest fire smoke, which completely takes over the landscape now. It looks so apocalyptic it's really...interesting. The arroyo looks like it's burning. I love this landscape, it hurts me to see it this way. But yet every moment I'm at a point of higher elevation, I breathe in and stare in amazement of the landscape, the hills, the thrush.

Oh and I saw a prairie dog for the first time! Leena pointed it out and I thought they were skinny chipmunks. I say it and of course Leena tells me that they're starving and thirsty. Thank you Leena, that's really lovely.

When Amanda picked me up last night from the rodeo she told me that she was the opposite of Leena in terms of rodeo. She grew up around rodeos, and hates it. Her father is essentially a cowboy, and she is no stranger to the weird events that are rodeos with the pickle juice, barrel racing, and utter cowboy-ness. Leena compared going to a rodeo as going to a place where Hitler had won and there were no Jews. Yes, Leena, you're Native, and Natives shouldn't go to rodeos because it's reminiscent of a time and world where they were dying out. But fuck you, Natives also have rodeos and no, rodeos are not that extremely white. Okay sure they did a prayer for the troops after the anthem and I was the only pair of slanty eyes for miles, but that doesn't mean ONLY whites and Mexicans were allowed to go. Whatever.

I get home and Amanda's home for a second. I walk in, say hi, and walk to my room. I noticed Amanda was completely naked, but I've learned not to expect anything anymore living here in this city. Apparently it was a body suit painted to look like she's naked. I shrugged. Very little can surprise me at this point.