You can't control life.

"I'm a New York woman, born to run you down
...
Something, something about just knowing when it's right"

My attitude towards the future with Leena. Thanks Lady Gaga (ha!)

Early start, took a while going around and around on St. Michael's near the Vincent Medical complex trying to find just the right building. Eventually I found my way and I got the blood drawn, only took about 5 minutes total to check in. The guy was nice, made a good amount of conversation to get my mind off the needle. Blood test, check, done what's next?

Amanda drove me to work and I stopped by the French cafe for an iced tea and a biscochito :)

Well I'm at work, looking over what I've done, what I need to do. A lot of waiting, essentially.

In the meantime, I guess it's time for me to really fully write out just how different I feel being here as a person and the people responsible. In this entry will be the two amazing women named Nica and Amanda, who are currently in my life as "former housemates," but that title does no justice to the influence and effect they've imprinted on the very fabric of who I am.

Nica is such a down to earth, practical, hands-on and strong woman. She lets things roll off her back and she keeps her rhythm consistently forward, never looking back. Anyone who lives by the adage that "money is money, you can always get more if you need it" is something that immediately stuck with me. Her creativity and energy expels from her physical body as she creates, changes the environment around her without even a trace of doubt. She's so strong and practical that she takes every obstacle in stride, does her best, and moves forward. For all this and more, I was so surprised yesterday when she told me that I had my shit together more than she does, and that I should be giving her advice on life even being 5 years younger. And honestly I think I learned so much about being firm and flexible in a way that showed me that you can retain your youth, enjoy it, and not have to jump into the idea of "full independence" and "full adulthood" feet first and not expect to fall down constantly. You can survive on very little material, so all you can do is keep yourself happy the only way you know how. I remember one of Nica's profile pictures is just of her legs and seeing that many cuts and bruises at first seemed so startling. But getting to know her, that's how she does. She throws her body into every moment, lies on the dirt to take that perfect photograph of the burnt tree, lets her hands get covered in epoxy as she fills floor cracks, and yeah there are scars, bruises, and cuts, but they all heal and don't stop her from doing what she does. I wish I could even have a fraction of Nica's confidence and creative imagination and physical ability to just shape and make things. I really respect her audacity and her ability to see things for what they are and not let much get to her despite all of her obstacles and inner turmoil. She taught me that being an "adult" is relative and that you can live independently and with others but all that matters is that you deal with what you're given and you make more if you have to. No one else will make you change your ways, only you. And I thank her for letting me really enjoying fun in a way that I was told was too "immature" and "unproductive." I thank her for all that she shared with me--everything from peanut butter and bread, to her friends, to her thoughts, to her art, to her past, to her present, and to being a source of support and fun that I will continue to enjoy and grow with during my time in Santa Fe. She is the source of so many of my laughs and lighthearted moments that remind me that it's okay to be young, fall down and get up, and enjoy the things I do all over again and even more than before.

And dear Amanda, the woman who will make "gypsy hippie" statements and then call them "gypsy hippie." In so many ways she is the opposite of Nica in that she understands and thinks in terms of abstraction to really flesh out a rich inner life and peace. Moderator and generator is right. This woman gets what she needs done. Yes we all have our problems, addictions, and consequences from bad decisions made in the past that affect us all, but all you can (and should) do is be proud of your decisions and to take your obstacles in stride within yourself and then affect the change externally around you. To make a home does not necessarily change the space's aura, but at least to follow through and put up that mirror (even if it shatters within an hour and then falls apart in a matter of days), cover up the nasty couch, is way ahead of leaving things bare. Because with every moment, every active expellation of energy, you are just that much more experienced, more knowledgeable, and stronger. I see her fire, I only have heard that it was once a bit out of control because of the idea that social anxiety was something to be torn down with numbing agents, but my perception of Amanda is of such calm and strength that I have never found in anyone else in my life. It is always so lovely to meet someone who is at peace with where they are, what they do, and Amanda takes it to a whole other level with her demeanor which is so calm, and yet firm. She patiently waits, she stands her ground, and she knows herself so well that I knew from the beginning that I would internalize her calm, quiet strength in my own demeanor. She lets herself free, her fire burn at just the right moments. And at the end of the day, she challenges me to relax (if that makes sense) and deconstruct in that she lets me do things for the first time, which include a hike (so physically challenging but provides a peace that I've never been able to experience in the urban concrete jungle), massage (letting my muscles be moved, to keep myself limber even if I have really tight skin) and even a face mask (which heals only after it completely dries and cracks which is stressful for my skin). Her compassion and nurturing nature is so apparent when she does anything--give me a ride to the grocery store or clinic to be tested, writing a poem, offering sheets and hangers, or even watering and taking care of her plants. I hope Prudence comes back home just as she is returning to hers. I thank her for providing a calm, supportive, and sympathetic nature for me to draw strength from in my darkest and chaotic times here in Santa Fe and for letting me relax but challenge myself at the same time. I am grateful for everything she's shared with me on a spiritual and philosophical level; I've learned so much from her about her, about me, and about calm compassion, and loveliness in general.